I Have GOT To Stop Reading!

I read too much. I read about EVERYTHING. That's good, but it's sooo bad.

I read patient inserts on all prescription medication thoroughly and then I am afraid to take the medication because 1/100000 of 1% of the people who tested the medication grew an extra head.

I read about weird medical conditions and then convince myself that I could drop dead at any second as the result of some unheard of medical condition.

You get the idea. At some point I have GOT to stop reading and just trust God to take care of me and my family. But I gotta know. I have this stupid, (or not) insane desire to know about EVERYTHING. I'm gonna worry myself sick if I keep reading though.

Tonight I was looking for a chart or something that listed goals for each grade level. yes, I am already planning Eddie's education. Stop laughing at me. :) Anyway... I found this page.

That page lists study after study after study indicating that preemies have various long-lasting effects of their prematurity, including developmental delays and learning disabilities. DANG IT!!!

I had read something similar before, but without the studies to back it up, and decided to put that little tidbit of info in the back of my brain's filing cabinet. Now what I had chosen to file away for future reference is right in front of me like a stupid fly that won't go away.

I know I shouldn't worry. I know Eddie is absolutely perfect the way he is -- even if he is a little sinner. I just don't want him to have any troubles at all. And of course, while I now it's absolutely not my fault that he was a preemie, I still blame myself.

Ya know... that one chocolate chip cookie the night before I ended up in the hospital that last time is what made him come so early. (Yeah, I roll my eyes at that too... sometimes.)

If Eddie were to have long-term side effects of his prematurity, I would be so heartbroken. He would still be absolutely the most amazing person to me, of course. I just want him to have the most amazing life possible.

I really don't know how moms with children who have disabilities do it. My hat is off to you.

I used to work with disabled children and I used to be just amazed by the parents of these children. Now I think I understand that while it's hard work, *most* parents would walk the Earth to help their child, no matter what that journey may entail.

I know I would do about anything for Eddie Bear.