re·form: (r-fôrm) v. re·formed, re·form·ing, re·forms v. tr. 1. To improve by alteration, correction of error, or removal of defects; put into a better form or condition. 2. To cause (a person) to give up harmful or immoral practices; persuade to adopt a better way of life.
ma·ma or mam·ma also mom·ma: n. (also m-mä) Informal. Mother.

6.27.2006

A Year, Already!!??

Eddie bear will be a year old in just over a month. To me, that is absolute craziness.

It's amazing that Eddie was so tiny and fragile, but now he is anything but that. It amazing that he has no complications from his prematurity. It's amazing that I survived those first weeks after Eddie came home, much less a whole year!

I'm happy and sad all at once when I think of my Eddie Bear growing up. I am also a bit apprehensive about his birthday because i am not sure how I will react emotionally.

The weeks prior to Eddie's birth and the day of Eddie's birth were the most traumatic I have ever experienced. I've been through things that you would think were much worse than bedrest and pre-term labor, but in my mind, those thing pale in comparison to thinking something could be wrong with my son (and to magnesium sulfate).

And then, not having my son at home with me for six long weeks was just added torture.

I hate to admit that I was angry. In that situation there really is only one person to be angry at: God. I happen to believe there is never any righteous reason to be angry with God and righteous anger is the only non-sinful anger. So where did that leave me?

Stuck in a sinful state, working through these sinful, misplaced emotions. God was not to blame for my son's prematurity. He may have permitted it, but He knows what's best, so that hsould be enough for me, right?

As Eddie's birthday draws near, I find myself revisiting those emotional places in my mind. How will I choose to respond to those memories? will I get all angry again or have i learned my lesson?

2 Comments:

Blogger Charlene said...

I wasn't planning on leaving a separate post, but I had to :)

If you ask my mom what the best day of her life is, without hesitation she'll say it was the day I was born. And not just when I ask. The birth of your firstborn is supposed to be this perfect day.

We had quite different experiences, but I understand a lot of the emotions you're going through. To me, Jasmine's birth was amazing and the love I had for her the instant I saw her was something I can never put into words. But that doesn't make up for the horrible events immediately before and after we "met" our daughter.

My mom has chosen to let anger at the midwife be her path, and though I wish she'd done something sooner (like take me to the hospital earlier) it was our choice to put ourselves in her hands, and we believe she did what she thought best.
So who does that leave? Us? God? Nothing works...just this unsettled feeling, and the worries about this next one, praying that we don't have any of the same things we did last time.

I really should just cut and paste this into my own blog, put an "IKWYM" comment here, and not babble so much in your blog :) Can you edit my post? Feel free!!

12:37 PM

 
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2:05 PM

 

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