re·form: (r-fôrm) v. re·formed, re·form·ing, re·forms v. tr. 1. To improve by alteration, correction of error, or removal of defects; put into a better form or condition. 2. To cause (a person) to give up harmful or immoral practices; persuade to adopt a better way of life.
ma·ma or mam·ma also mom·ma: n. (also m-mä) Informal. Mother.

11.24.2006

Haunted Holidays

I'm not talking abot Halloween today. I'm talkng about the traditionally festive and joyous holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. For many of us the typically festive holidays are also haunted.

For us, the joy and excitement that we feel while watching our child stare at the lights on the Christmas tree or while enjoying the warmth that comes from having good friends and families gathered around is often accompanied by a swift, strong undercurrent of deep sadness. This sadness has the ability to carry us away and to steal any happiness we may feel during this time of the year. Indeed, for some, this undercurrent is strong enough to steal our very life.

We are haunted. Some are haunted by things that we said or did to someone; horrible, mean things. Some are haunted by tragic sins that were committed against them; things like rape and abuse and adultery. Some are haunted by the loss of a loved one or by a broken relationship. Some are haunted by one thing and others are tormented by many.

Personally, I've had a lot of things happen that I could be haunted by. The molestation doesn't haunt me though. It hurts at times, but it doesn't haunt me. The abuse I suffered at the hands of a boyfriend doesn't haunt me. It makes me angry sometimes though. Those things were horrible and I recognize that, but I am bullheaded enough and have been blessed with an abundant amount of grace so that those things haunt me no more.

There are two things that haunt me though.

Every holiday I think about my family. I htink about how a family should be and how mine is not like that. I think about how I would absolutely LOVE to have a relationship with either of my parents that would make me want to call them FIRST when something wonderful or tragic happens. I would LOVE ot be able to say I am a daddy's girl or that my mom and I are so close that we are like sisters. I'd give anything to have my brothers and their families nearby so my son could know his uncles and cousins. And I'd give ANYTHING to know my mom was safe and alive.

These are the things that haunt me. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas and Mother's Day adn Father's Day.

I have no bullheadedness to contribute to overcoming these things. I can only rely on God's grace. That's a good thing, but it's also a very hard thing. See, I am one of those people who has to FIX everything. I can't fix these things. I have to accept them. I HAVE no choice but to entrust my family (and their salvation) to God. This is near impossible for me to do.

Imagine telling Emeril that he could no longer cook and that he had to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken everyday.

Or telling Jeff Gordon that he could no longer race, but that he had to drive an old, beat up, rusted out Pinto.

That's what it's like for me to not be able to fix my family. That's what it's like for me to not know where my mom is and to not be able to track her down. That's what it's like to watch my dad smoke himself into a grave. That's why the festive holidays are also haunted holidays for me.

I look forward to the days when no day is haunted and every sadness is overshadowed by the Glory of our Lord. What a day, glorious day that will be.

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