Reflection

There is much I would like to write about today; Christmas, Eddie, Ed, Sumter, etc... Instead, I will share my reflections on one specific event of the past year.

If you have ever had any sort of semi-serious injury (think broken bone, minor surgery, etc...) then you know that while the injury may heal, there is often a scar or long-term damage that can remain. Sometimes you can't see the scar or the damage, but when the rain comes, that bone aches like it was broken all over again. The bone is healed, but the pain still exists.

And Heaven forbid you are injured anywhere near the old injury. It just seems to make the pain all that much worse.

I suspect that for most the same is true of emotional wounds. They do heal and forgiveness may be very real, but sometimes the pain just never goes away. At least I know that has been the case with me.

I have forgiven my mom for past wrongs. They still hurt from time to time, but truly I do not harbor any ill feelings about those things. But, like any old injury, if a new injury is added the pain is worse because of the pain from the old injuries.

I still have not responded to the Christmas card my mom sent. I don't know how to. The card was kind of random. There was no explanation or anything like that. It was just there; like nothing had ever happened. Like she had never "disappeared."

My mom also emailed me. I got that email last week. The email was hard to read. It was not as vague as the card. She was admitting she willingly abandoned me and my brothers and that the only reason she was emailing me was because she was in a car accident and realized how much we mean to her. She still has not contacted my brothers though.

Here's my problem. I do not believe ANYONE is ever a lost cause. I cannot believe that. There is always hope. It is absolutely not in my nature to think that way. BUT, I also don't like getting burned. I have a very strong sense of right and wrong and justice. If you do something wrong, then you face the consequences. Period. (Told ya I had no grace). I do what I need to to protect myself while still allowing myself to hope that the other person will do the right thing.

I don't know how to do that with my mom. She has WILLFULLY abandoned her own children repeatedly. While we were adults. That's like saying, "You aren't good enough for me. I don't want you. I don't like who you became." Personally, and I mean no offense to those who were adopted out, I think I would prefer to have been adopted out as a child.

She's my mom. I am supposed to love her. She's not some random stranger that I can just write off. How do I show her grace though? How do I balance grace with justice? I know it's not really my place to do those things. I am commanded to forgive and to love. Period.

To do that requires that I die to myself. Something else I am not good at.

Funny how some of the most horrible things that others do to you can point out your own shortcomings and can help you grow.