re·form: (r-fôrm) v. re·formed, re·form·ing, re·forms v. tr. 1. To improve by alteration, correction of error, or removal of defects; put into a better form or condition. 2. To cause (a person) to give up harmful or immoral practices; persuade to adopt a better way of life.
ma·ma or mam·ma also mom·ma: n. (also m-mä) Informal. Mother.

1.02.2007

Reflection

There is much I would like to write about today; Christmas, Eddie, Ed, Sumter, etc... Instead, I will share my reflections on one specific event of the past year.

If you have ever had any sort of semi-serious injury (think broken bone, minor surgery, etc...) then you know that while the injury may heal, there is often a scar or long-term damage that can remain. Sometimes you can't see the scar or the damage, but when the rain comes, that bone aches like it was broken all over again. The bone is healed, but the pain still exists.

And Heaven forbid you are injured anywhere near the old injury. It just seems to make the pain all that much worse.

I suspect that for most the same is true of emotional wounds. They do heal and forgiveness may be very real, but sometimes the pain just never goes away. At least I know that has been the case with me.

I have forgiven my mom for past wrongs. They still hurt from time to time, but truly I do not harbor any ill feelings about those things. But, like any old injury, if a new injury is added the pain is worse because of the pain from the old injuries.

I still have not responded to the Christmas card my mom sent. I don't know how to. The card was kind of random. There was no explanation or anything like that. It was just there; like nothing had ever happened. Like she had never "disappeared."

My mom also emailed me. I got that email last week. The email was hard to read. It was not as vague as the card. She was admitting she willingly abandoned me and my brothers and that the only reason she was emailing me was because she was in a car accident and realized how much we mean to her. She still has not contacted my brothers though.

Here's my problem. I do not believe ANYONE is ever a lost cause. I cannot believe that. There is always hope. It is absolutely not in my nature to think that way. BUT, I also don't like getting burned. I have a very strong sense of right and wrong and justice. If you do something wrong, then you face the consequences. Period. (Told ya I had no grace). I do what I need to to protect myself while still allowing myself to hope that the other person will do the right thing.

I don't know how to do that with my mom. She has WILLFULLY abandoned her own children repeatedly. While we were adults. That's like saying, "You aren't good enough for me. I don't want you. I don't like who you became." Personally, and I mean no offense to those who were adopted out, I think I would prefer to have been adopted out as a child.

She's my mom. I am supposed to love her. She's not some random stranger that I can just write off. How do I show her grace though? How do I balance grace with justice? I know it's not really my place to do those things. I am commanded to forgive and to love. Period.

To do that requires that I die to myself. Something else I am not good at.

Funny how some of the most horrible things that others do to you can point out your own shortcomings and can help you grow.

1 Comments:

Blogger Shawnda said...

Sounds like there's a lot of healing in your heart that needs to take place....and as you know, a lot of forgiving....to get there! I have NO idea what it's like to be in your shoes or to experience the pain you are experiencing with your mom, BUT I know what it's like to have a parent that is LESS than involved in my life. I had HATEED my dad all growing up. But when the Lord captured my heart at 21 - He gave such sweet grace to forgive BECAUSE it was SO clear that my Dad did NOT have saving grace!!! The Lord was clear that I could not hold my dad to any standard because he did not have any standards to live by!!! My dad is a slave to this world and to the Father of lies!!!! So, why would I expect any more than what he gave me? I couldn't. Seeing through this perspective helped me to have mercy for my dad.....though I OFTEN tend to be a lot like you described yourself. However, I tend to lean that way toward those who know the Lord. It's a lot easier for me to have grace, mercy, and forgiveness toward those who don't!!! I don't know where your mom stands with the Lord. And ultimately, that isn't going to change what you so desperately want the LORD to do in your heart (forgiveness and healing!!). Praying for the LORD to bring that to your heart through whatever means He sees most fit!!!! I just can't imagine your circumstances. I know....somehow....it's the Lord's good and perfect plan, but I'm so sorry it's so hard!!!

9:07 PM

 

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