Forgiveness

I still don't know where my mom is. I have heard nothing from her since February aside from a few weird emails. I get no responses to my emails and I have no other way to contact her.

That makes me mad and sad and hurt all at the same time.

With Eddie's birthday and with my birthday coming up, I keep thinking about my mom. Surely she would call or write or SOMETHING. Wouldn't she?

Obviously she hasn't. And my hands are tied. There is NOTHING I can do at this point.

Yet, while this is a sad situation and while by the world's standards, I probably do have every right to be angry, I can't really be angry because I know God is sovereign.

BooMama posted today about a conversation that spun off from one of her previous posts on God's sovereignty. A reader had popped in and mentioned that she was angry with God because of the abuse she had endured. Another reader had shared how she was able to overcome that same anger through God's love.

I can so relate to both of them. I spent my high school years and my college years anger and bitter. The world was out to get me and I wasn't going to let it. I had been abused sexually by my grandfather at the age of five. My mom verbally and physically abused us and my dad was never there. Then when I started dating, the first guy I really dated (Chris) treated me like dirt. He never hit me, but he made me feel like the absolute scum of the Earth. Then the second guy I dated (Jason) threatened to kill me several times.

First, I thought I deserved what I got. Then, I got angry. If God wasn't going to protect me, I'd protect myself. I shut everyone out. I thought that would make everything better. I thought that by shutting everyone out I was demonstrating my strength and my "health."

Boy was I wrong! It wasn't until my grandpa, the same one who abused me, got sick with cancer that I understood forgiveness and grace. Somehow, God gave me the strength to help my grandpa in his last days. God gave my heart the ability to mourn over my grandpa's illness and death. I didn't quite recognize that grace for what it was at the time though.

Several years later, while watching a group presentation in my Counseling Women class, some of those wounds were re-opened. I struggled with that because I felt like maybe I had not really forgiven Grandpa. Then I thought about it some more.

Emotional wounds are no different from physical wounds. When you suffer from a deep cut on your hand, the wound will heal over, but there are scars. Sometimes, well after the wound has healed, the scar can become itchy or it may even hurt a little. That doesn't mean that the wound is unhealed though -- just that you have a scar.

The pain from the abuse I've been through will not ever go completely away. There are many days when I am reminded of something someone said or did to me. But the pain is different. Now it's more of a sorrow that I feel for the person/people who hurt me.

Those who hurt me could not possibly have loved me -- really and truly. They do not/did not know God, thus they did/do not know TRUE love. How can I expect them to express to me something they themselves have never felt? I can't stay angry at them.

Forgiveness is a gift and a command. It is not something we can do on our own, but it is something we are commanded to do. And when we consider the ways in which each of us has wounded Christ and how he continues to forgive us, we really have no excuse for not forgiving others.

Finally, if we really trust God and we really believe that He is sovereign, then we have to know that whatever trials and tribulations we my face have a purpose (whether we know that purpose or not). Then, we have to ACT as if we know that.