So Much For Keeping My Promise, Huh?

Sorry friends. Really I am.

I've been so busy trying to make sure that I get some exercise in and tending to Eddie and all that I just have not been on the computer much. Besides, the weather has been absolutely wonderful (for the most part) lately, so sitting at a desk instead of spending time outside just seems wrong to me.

Things are going well. My blood pressure has calmed down a bit. I am still dealing with morning sickness though. Only, it's sooooo much worse in the evenings. I really can't wait for the sickness part of this pregnancy to be gone.

Truth be told, I can't wait until the end of this pregnancy. I know, I know, I should be thankful. And I really am. I am so blessed. Eddie is absolutely wonderful and I know that just being able to get pregnant is a miracle for so many women. I just don't "do" pregnancy well.

I hate feeling bloated all the time. I hate my face looking like the Domino's Pizza Special of the Week. I hate gagging everytime I brush my teeth or change Eddie's diaper. And I hate wondering if this pregnancy will have the same problems as my last pregnancy.

Overall, I feel optimistic about carrying this child to full term. That's the truth. I'd be lying though if I said that there wasn't some nagging in the back of my mind that makes me worry about having to ride the NICU roller coaster again.

If you've not ever had to deal with pre-term labor and the complications that causes, then I don't know that you would understand. I don't mean that as a slam. Not at all. It's just that doing the NICU thing scars you. You lose the innocence that so many women have regarding pregnancy.

I had that innocence with Eddie. I remember thinking, "Okay, We are having an October baby and all will be well and that's that." I thought like that until about 20 weeks or so. That time from the time I took that pregnancy test to about 20 weeks was my babymoon.

After 20 weeks, I don't know what it was, but in my heart I knew that I'd deliver early. Perhaps
it was all the contractions. Even though they were Braxton-Hicks contractions, they did change my cervix.

When I hit 24 weeks I thanked God that My child was viable. When I hit 29 weeks and two days I delivered. I didn't get that babymoon that most moms get. I didn't get to hold my son until he was NINE DAYS OLD! Our first picture together is not of me snuggling with him. It's of me and Ed standing in front of a warming bed with our son hooked up to wires and a ventilator.

So now, I hope that I get that real babymoon with this child. I hope that I get to snuggle him or her right after she's born. I hope she/he gets to room in with me at the hospital and that I get to breastfeed from the beginning without having to use that stupid pump. I hope that my first picture with this child includes me really smiling - not just forcing a smile for the camera.

I hope for these things, but I am no longer so naive as to expect them. My innocence was lost on August 5, 2005.

Faith is the substance of things HOPED for, right? My faith gives me hope. My experiences fight to conquer that hope each day. I will not give in though. I will keep the faith.

I guess that kinda is why I haven't been blogging much. I've been busy gestating and trying to do everything within my power to make sure that I stay pregnant for as long as is possible.

I'll try to blog something happy and cheery tomorrow. I've got lots of that too.

An Update & A Promise

Okay... Sorry I've been slack about posting here. Things have been a little wacky lately. I do promise to do better in the near future.

With that, let me update you on how things are going.

Physically: Ehhh, up and down. The blood pressure is still elevated, but it's much better than it was. So, that's a blessing. The pregnancy sickness (I refuse to call it morning sickness) hits me the worst in the afternoons and evenings. Nothing too horrible, just that general I'm-gonna-hurl feeling. So, I am surviving that.

The worst thing I am dealing with though is a combination of headaches and ummm... gastrointesinal distress. Not fun and it seems to hit me every 2-3 days.

I've lost weight. My size 2 jeans are still fitting perfectly and I am nearly 13 weeks pregnant. I know the weight will come, I just want the little bean to be healthy and strong. Know what I mean?

Spiritually: I won't lie. I struggled with some anxiety at teh beginning of this pregnancy. Periodically, that anxiety creeps back up on me. I think that's due in part to Eddie's premature delivery and in part to the blood pressure issue. I've never had any health problems, so the blood pressure thing threw me for a wonky loop.

However, I know that those worries were/are the result of my lack of faith and that I was wrongly looking at circumstances instead of at Christ. As long as I keep God's promises in mind and as long as I don't read too much information about what *could* happen, then I am fine. I have to constantly remind myself that GOD is in control, not some doctor and not some crazy blood pressure problems. God has knit together this life that I carry. HE is the author and finisher of life and of my faith.

So, with that, I am doing alright overall. Trying to stay healthy and hangin' in there.